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How we choose to express what we want can be just as important as what we are saying

I can always ask my partner to hand over the salt shaker at the dinner table or honey would you please pay the salt.   Which do you think is going to get him to respond to my words.

I’m not saying it will be easy when you are upset or angry at your soon to be ex-spouse what is going to work better asking or suggesting what we will do on Thanksgiving weekend or saying I’m having the kids on Thanksgiving?  Very often people do agree, but sometimes become disagreeable when it is not discussed and feelings become hurt.

While being respectful is a given, choosing words carefully to ask, suggest, request your thoughts, for example, I was thinking that maybe we should do this or have you given any thought to how we can pay for college tuition produces more discussion and less hostility during the session to help parties reach solution.

One of the hardest things to do when you are upset is listen.

Listen to someone who you are angry at or someone you do not want to speak to

Listening is hard when  we are so fixated on what we want  to have our voice heard and have a plan of what we want that we cannot hear what the other person is saying

Listening requires us to stop and put our thoughts aside and listen and I mean actively listening to what the other party is saying and give what they are saying thought I know it is hard.  You are at the table to make decisions for your agreement you have thoughts on what should be said, you may be angry on what he or she may have done and you are waiting for them to finish so you can speak It’s hard to listen under those circumstances when you are holding onto your thoughts on what you are going to say and nor listening.

So if you are afraid you will loose your train of thought, what you had in mind to propose or why you want to propose this, then maybe think about what you want to say and write it down

If you have your notes, then you don’t have to worry about concentrating on what you are going to say and can reflect and listen to what the other party may be saying.  Listening you may find that you agree or that you think about some options to what the other party is saying